In October last year the Federal Government introduced a Citizenship Test so that prospective new Aussies could test how Aussie they really were before they went down to their local Council Hall to have "the operation."
On the official Citizenship Website there are all sorts of altruistic reasons put forward for the implementation of the test. Things like "full participation in the Australian community," "understand the Australian way of life" and "embrace Australian values." But we all know that the real reason is to find out have you got what it takes to be One Of Us.
Now with membership to our great club almost at capacity I'm proposing that we consider implementing a similar kind of test for new members. Which leads me to ask, what sort of questions should we ask?
Here are my suggestions:
Q1. When should you cheer at an Eagles game?
- a) When you didn't pay for the ticket
- b) When you didn't pay for the beer
- c) When they lose
- d) All of the above
Q2. What would you describe as your Religion?
- a) Catholic
- b) Muslim
- c) Jewish
- d) FOTOTPOEBTOPJ (Follower of the one true path of enlightenment being that of Purple Jesus)
Q3. What should you do with your lanyard?
- a) Wear it at every home game, all the way through to the end of the match and then on the trip home
- b) Hang my keys off it
- c) Throw it away
- d) Use it as a marital aid
Q4. What should you do if you don't know the name of a player on your team?
- a) Ask someone else
- b) Refer to them by their number
- c) Refer to your footy record
- d) Go home and reconsider whether following football is really for you
Q5. An opposition player is awarded a medal for being the best a field when clearly there was someone else who played better. Do you?
- a) Clap politely
- b) Boo the player
- c) Boo the decision
- d) Make a mental note to execute that hit on Kim Hagdorn.
Q6. Your footy team has just finished the season with the wooden spoon. When your membership renewal arrives in the mail do you?
- a) See if your neighbour wants it
- b) Throw it away
- c) Arrange for a load of manure to be delivered to the clubrooms
- d) Head straight to the club to sign up again. After all, what's the point of the ups if there are no downs?